Title:

THE Agency – The First Paige

Page 00

Panel 1

Transcript format: Stanley’s Private Phone Line

Dot: Drew’s been dead for a while. The paperwork’s beginning to pile up over here. And our invoices have fallen way behind. We need to get paid.

Stanley: We have a candidate.

Dot: Really? No. Not her. She’s no candidate. She wouldn’t last a month – a week, if Ray’s being moody. We need a new Drew, not a girl that was lucky enough to not die.

Stanley: Actually, we need a Paige. I’m changing the job title. And she’s been lucky enough to not die three times. I’ve learned over the years to spot when destiny is throwing out subtle hints. She was at Ego-Maniacal’s trial. She was helping the prosecution. We all know how that ended.

Dot: Boom.

Stanley: Boom indeed. When the building went up in that class II inferno, she was on her way home because she broke a heel on the escalator.

Dot: That does not make her THE Agency material.

Stanley: No – but EgoM’s been trying to blow her up ever since. Two more bombs and she’s still kicking. No car or apartment left to her name, but still kicking.

Dot: I’ve read her resume, scanned her HR file. She’s too straight-laced for us. We’d tie her in knots.

Stanley: She’ll die if we don’t hire her and we’ll die if we stay a man down much longer. THE Agency only works when we’re at full power and all on the same paige.

Dot: Oh please. Tell me this in not the beginning of a new era of bad puns.

Stanley: Never underestimate a bit of wordplay – or a fastidious paralegal for that matter. I think she’ll turn out to be plucky. And you know how much the universe and I love plucky.

Dot: Fine.

Page 0

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Business Letter

Dear Miss Paige.

It has come to our attention that you are:

• recently unemployed

• currently being hunted by at least one (1) super villain

We, at THE Agency, are able to remedy both of these circumstances. THE Agency is a small marketing group that offers its employees similar benefits as the Witness Protection Program (WPP). We create a new identity complete with residence, transportation and salary. Any employee of THE Agency is also granted immunity from all super villains, starting no more than three (3) days from signing on. Much like the WPP, employment with THE Agency is – forever. We understand how daunting that may sound when coupled with your current  situation. This permanence not only ensures your protection, but also that of the other Agency employees, each of whom has experienced the same threats you are now facing.

You are, of course, free to decline this offer. Your experience and specific skill set would fill the vacancy in our group very well. This is not simply a charitable opportunity for us. It’s good business.

Please contact me for further details at: xxx-xxx-xxx

Dot

Operations Manager

THE Agency

Page 1

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(Handwritten text on lined paper taped into a manila folder)

You know your life has been turned upside-down, when it’s day one of your new job and mandatory journaling is one of the least weird requirements you come across. Fine. They want to check how I’m handling the transition – not well!!!

Last week I was an associate on the rise in a major law firm. I was not a paralegal! Last week I was helping on a super high profile case. Very super – super villain type super. The jury came back. Villain went free. And the entire prosecuting team wound up dead. All but me – I broke a heel and had to go back home, so I missed the explosion. I’m alive – goody – but now forced to work here, at a PR agency no one’s ever heard of “for my own good” as their legal advisor, HR and accounting combo person. But hey, that more than makes up for everything else, right? WRONG! My apartment blew up on Tuesday! My car blew up on Wednesday! And the doctors aren’t sure if the ringing in my ears will ever go away. I’m just peachy.

PEACHY!

They say that when word gets out that I work at THE Agency, that the bounty on my head will be revoked. I suppose that’s a plus. I just have to live here, work here, and, you know, not leave for a couple months. I don’t get to touch a computer – ever again. Really?! And I have to sift through a mountain of paper files to figure out where my predecessor left off. Not sure what happened to him – dead, crazy, dead and crazy? Probably died just to escape this place and the insane procedures. They blasted my ear with a ray gun! A RAY GUN! Again, really?! I mean, the ringing is bad enough, but now there’s a hole in me where I’m supposed to wear a secret camera all the time.

JUST DANDY!

No, no, no – I’m supposed to be grateful for all this. I’m alive and I’ve got a job (permanently) and a home. What do I have to complain about with all that? The lack of technology and forced body piercing should be nothing. I have my health. Right? I should be thankful for being brought into this family of super-villain survivors. But, have you met my so-called colleagues? They are certifiably insane!

I’ve been here for three hours and I’ve already seen a guy with more sci-fi gizmos than a whole super villain armada, a guy cursing a printing machine that looks like Gutenberg’s failed prototype and two people arguing about the importance of bullet-proof shelf paper. If this journal is supposed to warn you when I’m about to lose it – you’re too late. I lost it!!! But those nut-jobs over there lost it a long time ago!!!

Page 2

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(Printed transcripts are set in American Typewriter, 12 pt. [extra tracking] on white paper with perforated edges)

Thursday Transcript – Dot – 11107(729) – 10:09

Dot: So, let’s see how you did. Uh huh. Uh huh. Probably shouldn’t have left you alone with Ray around. Oh, good. You sound like you should do fine.

Paige: You’re kidding, right? I’m losing it before lunch.

Dot: But you realize it. That’s good. If you didn’t realize that this place is insanity incarnate, then this definitely wouldn’t work.

Paige: —

Dot: Welcome to THE Agency. Sorry I’m late with this – but it’s been a killer morning. THE Agency is a group of ten individuals with very specific skills brought together to help super villains.

Paige: WHAT!?!

Dot: Just hold on ‘til the end, sweetie. We offer a one-stop solution to all their graphic design, fashion, PR, building,

vehicular and weaponry needs. As we previously discussed, you’ll be serving as our HR department, accountant and legal counsel. With luck, you won’t have to deal with one of our clients for quite some time. Heavens, you’re not prepared for that.

Paige: So I’m not getting killed by super villains because I’m working for super villains?

Dot: We serve a large portion of that particular demographic. As such, there’s a — gentleman’s agreement that no one ever touches one of us ten. If someone were to break that agreement – losing even one of us cripples production – a host of psychopaths, sociopaths and sycophants would be hunting down the culprit. And death would be an incredibly pleasant alternative to what they’d do to him or her.

Paige: Oh – I guess that makes sense. But how can you people live with yourselves helping that host of sickos and

psychos? You’re even more responsible than they are.

Dot: And this is why I hate on-boarding newbies. We are responsible. We’re very responsible. Mark, are you done

yet?

Mark: Almost. Heidi got finicky again.

Dot: Well give Heidi a kick and get that print out here.

Mark: <Oof>.… Got it. Here you go.

Dot: This is your welcome pamphlet – hot off the letterpress. Start reading. We’ll burn it as soon as you’re done.

Mark: Shameful waste of good cotton paper.

Dot: Don’t you have those new templates to work on?

Mark: Oh, yeah. Hate those things.

Dot: So, Paige, as you’ve guessed, with our particular brand of clientele, we have security risks. The personal

cameras and the transcription devices around our offices are for our protection. We deal with lots of sensitive

information: secret plans, locations of secret headquarters, secret identities. We do not email. We do not text. We mail, we print, we, on occasion, phone. There are too many hackers and supers with tech abilities that would kill for our intel. — If people knew what we know, it would destroy the world.

Paige: Ohhhhhhh.… this… this is brilliant. So they have no idea that we actually–

Dot: AHEM! We try. – On to bigger business. First we burn this. Done. Second, here’s your rule book. Memorize

it. Third, your first week should probably just be getting into your files and getting to know your co-workers and the different shops – all that mess. Lunch is at noon. Dinner’s at seven. Snacks and coffee are in the kitchen 24/7. You know your room. Don’t go into anyone else’s until expressly asked. A lot of these guys won’t trust you straight away. There’s been issues with newbies before. Snooping could be seen as suspicious. The basement lounge is called THE vault. It’s the one place around here without any listening devices. You’ll need to stay there a lot over your next weeks, until you get used to things. The daily journal should be ongoing. I suggest you do it at the end of the day. The beginning of the day can give you wrong impressions. Now, I’ve got to run… so, just stay out of trouble for now.

Page 3

Panel 1

(A letterpress page ripped from the book of rules – Garamond, 12 pt.)

• No email

• No texting

• Hand-write things if you haven’t mastered the portable typewriters (Remingtons= aka ‘Remis’)

• Phones are no substitute for in-person meetings

• The customer is never right – guide them

• Dock your camera once a day in the 1 1/2

• Journal for 15 minutes a day

• You are being recorded (audio) at all times – be aware

• Don’t go crazy – remember Mark 2

• Keep the kitchen tidy

• Bug sweeps are on a randomized timer – don’t swat the drones.

• Solve it yourself. If you can’t – admit it. Then grab a co-worker. If, together, you can’t solve it, THE team will dig in. There is nothing THE 10 can’t do. 3 moon bases and counting.

• It’s never hyperbole

• Fire drills are every other Wednesday – not optional

(rip in page – taped to next portion)

• Check Max’s arm before approaching.

• If the red light outside of Ray’s lab is on, do not enter. If it’s flashing, run.

• Don’t bug J while he’s on the phone

• Only Mark is allowed to kick use the letterpress

• Don’t speak to Blue before noon

(rip in page – taped to next portion)

• There are no sick days

• There are no vacation days

• Truce days are marked on the office calendar

(rip in page – taped to next portion – following text highlighted, arrowed and generally circled and doodled on)

•If you can read this, you’re alive and at least part of the building survived — must be a good day

Panel 2

1 ½: Heidi

Caption: Equipment: Heidelberg Windmill Letterpress (Heidi) Status: Cursed (Major-729) (maintained / used: Mark only)

Panel 3

1 ½: 1 ½

Caption: Equipment: 1-line/Halftone print system (1 ½) Status: Main visual recorder of THE Agency (invented /

installed / maintained: Stanley)

Page 4

Panel 1

* Diagram of the building

Page 5

Panel 1

* Diagram of the desk

Page 6

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* Poster of the week – courtesy of Mark and Heidi

Hench –

adj (informal) British. (of a man) strong, fit and having well-developed muscles

noun (architectural): narrow side of a chimney stack

verb (henching / henched): to mindlessly serve a super villain

Page 7

Panel 1

(Handwritten text on lined paper)

Day 2 – Paige’s Journal

I’m a little less angry about my future today, and a lot less judgmental about this place. They do a lot of good work

despite being on the wrong side. The stuff they’ve made is incredible. I’m apparently the fifth person to fill this

particular position. There were four Drews before me. Apparently this shift in naming is new - wonder what made THE boss switch things up. Everyone else has the same name as everyone else in that position before them.

There’s been:

5 Dots | 4 Marks | 4 Blues | 7 Js | 5 Ls | 3 Maxes | 6 Rays | 4 Drews/1Paige | 14 Georgias | 1 Stanley

Not sure who Stanley is, but I’ve gathered that he started this whole thing and there will never be another one. I

asked about the many Georgias. Apparently she’s the only off-site employee other than Stanley. Georgias travel a lot.

And they die a lot. Kind of glad I’m in here with the typewriter, given the alternative.

Of course, this desk might kill me. Mark says there’s a master file on each of us somewhere in there. That’s where I’m supposed to start. I’m supposed to read through them, then double check they’re up-to-date – but he also said there might be booby-traps in there. It’s never hyperbole?

Page (729)

Panel 1

(Handwritten on lined paper. folded a thousand times and burned rather unsuccessfully)

Paige’s Private Pages

I’ll burn this later, I promise. But I just have to write this down before I forget the wording. I don’t ever want to

forget the wording. I just want to be able to read through this over my next couple of weeks. I need assurance that

what I read in the welcome pamphlet was what it was.

Front cover: THE (Ten Helping Evil) Agency | We are the publicists, designers, builders and planners for super villains.

Inside cover: THE (Ten Hindering Evil) Agency | We are the publicists, designers, builders and planners for super villains. We protect the public from those super villains by drawing their attention onto us. We guide them toward elaborate schemes and play on their pride and manias to help give heroes a fighting chance. Why do super villains wear colorful outfits that are easily recognizable even in a huge crowd? Us. Why do villains use freeze guns that, after a quick thaw in the conveniently close college lab, leaves its victims unharmed – as opposed to bullets? Us. Why are all tables inside a villain HQ bullet- / ray-proof ? That’s us. We do it. And we do it all – secretly.

The only people in the world that know what we truly do are the ten members of THE Agency and the 23

founding members of the Hero Headquarters. That’s it. No government, no secret labs. Now you know. To the

world we serve evil as a group of rather pragmatic bad guys. In reality, we serve the greater good by helping evil – be less bad.

Back page: list of employees and job descriptions.

Stanley – THE Boss

Dot – THE Manager

Mark – THE Graphic Designer (2nd to Dot)

J – THE Public Relations Specialist

L – THE Fashion Designer

Blue – THE Contractor

Max – THE Vehicular Specialist

Ray – THE Artillery Specialist

Georgia – THE Pro-Activist

Paige – THE HR/Accounts / Legal Specialist

Page 9

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DOT’S MASTER FILE

Dot’s HR File page – standard questionnaire that starts off each person’s file)

Page 10

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(Transcript format)

Dot: Good morning troops.

All: (Incoherent mumbling)

Dot: Looks like we’ve got quite the week ahead of us, so let’s dig right in. I’ve got a meeting with a potential client

today – another local. I’ll be taking Paige as my minion just to get her feet wet.

J: Eeeewwww…

Dot: Shut up.

Paige: Minion?

Dot: Later, sweetie. The rest of the week should be tied up in the ice clash debacle. I’ve got seven different freezing

villains and I’ll be negotiating territories. If these idiots decide to band together, they’ve got the capacity to throw us into two ice ages on top of each other – and that would be… bad for business. Mark, looks like your plate is full this week.

Mark: Yeah, I’ve got a client who wants his logo to be an interrobang. Copyright is going to be tricky. We all

remember how the question mark went.

Paige: Wait – you did that?

Mark: Oh yeah, had to rework punctuation as “art” and only then got it copyrighted on a very specific green

background. It was a nightmare of red tape. Oooh – that reminds me – he’s in town this week. We’ll have to be on

guard. Always slows everything down when he comes by.

Paige: Who?

Mark: Red Tape. Keep up please. Anyway – I think I’ve got a solution by turning the dot into an explosive starburst,

but that could give him more ideas that would take him into Ray’s direction.

Ray: I’m a little light this week after Friday’s delivery – send him my way. The literary guys are fun. So many bad

puns.

Dot: J, how’re you doing?

J: I’m struggling a bit. Your “literary” wrote a manifesto and wants it sent to all the media outlets. It’s 764 pages.

And he’s not a fan of editing.

Dot: Mark, could you convince him that a bang should be short?

Mark: I’ll see what I can do there.

Dot: L, what do you have going on?

L: ‘is week should ‘ave m’at ma kevlar vendor’s lab. I’ll be in-character – three diff clients gettin’ demos of

the new tech. Should be … quiet.

Dot: Sorry to hear that. Keep us informed about how the demos go.

Paige: Wait. Why would the week be…quiet?

L: Oh, hon, I’m nah allowed to speak ta clients. My client uniform involves a mouth tha’s stitched shut. Keeps

anyone from sayin’ som’ting bout m’accent.

Dot: Moving on – Max, you’re still under the hydroplane and the hovercraft, right?

Max: Yeah – we’ll have bumper boats coming in Thursday, so I’ll have to rush these out to make room.

Dot: Let me know if you need extra storage. My guy at the abandoned amusement park would probably hold a few.

— And Blue…

Blue: …

Dot: Blue will be on-site at the condemned hotel on 48th all week. Use the walkies if you need him. Should be in

range this time. Right?

Blue: …

Dot: Right. Georgia’s in Belize this week. She got the artifact in Lhasa last week, turning people into yetis. The

fur should be gone before her next trip back here, but if you talk to her before then, don’t mention hair, or fur, or

heat… Belize is sticky.

Paige: What’s she doing in Belize?

Dot: Routine extraction – meteor – cosmic radiation – you know. She’s got to grab it before some angry teenager

becomes a monster that devours souls.

Mark: Or light.

J: Or dreams.

Max: Or worlds.

Dot: We don’t want that again. Everybody good? Paige, you’ll help anyone that asks for it. And whenever you’re

not helping, you can attack Drew’s files or the fiscal budget review. I’ll give you the minioning details after lunch. … Good meeting – everybody stay alive, let’s get to it.

Panel 2

Small overlapping image from the 1 ½:

Red Tape Client Photo

Caption: Client: Red Tape Status: At-Large

Panel 3

Small hand-drawn image from Mark’s notebook:

Interrobang Starburst mash-up – lists possible PMS color choices and scribblings

Panel 4

Small overlapping image from the 1 ½:

Georgia – still yeti-ed

Caption: Employee check-in 1,012 – Georgia14 Status: Cursed (minor)

Page 11

Panel 1

Diagram of Dot’s office (schematic)

Panel 2

Small overlapping image from the 1 ½:

Image of regular Dot

Panel 3

Small overlapping image from the 1 ½:

Image of Client Day Dot